


Unsung Hero

by facetiousfutz



Category: South Park
Genre: Craig and Those Guys - Freeform, Fluff and Humor, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 19:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12196155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/facetiousfutz/pseuds/facetiousfutz
Summary: Remember when Craig Tucker was in a pan flute band and the chosen hero of ancient Incan prophecy? He'd love nothing more than to forget, but the guys couldn't help but drag the whole stupid story out of him.





	Unsung Hero

Craig and Tweek sat alone together in the cafeteria as they often did, despite the girls cooing over how cute they were. Stan looked over at their table, his expression impartial, though he made brief eye contact with Craig. He didn’t mean to look at Craig, but it didn’t matter. Craig flipped Stan off anyway. 

“W-what?” said Tweek, his head whipping toward Stan. Stan shouted “Yeah? Fuck you, too, Craig!” across the cafeteria, mutters and giggles filling the large space. “What happened between you and Stan?” 

“Nothing. I just don’t like him,” said Craig, munching on his carrot stick.

“Why?” 

“It’s a long story, babe.” 

Craig thought that’d be that. He even attempted to coax his boyfriend into a game of footsie so they could forget all about it, but Tweek got all twitchy and groaned. 

“You two aren’t gonna like beat each other up or anything?” said Tweek. “If you get grounded again, I-I don’t think I can take it!” 

“No, honey. I just think Stan and his group of friends suck.” 

“They’re not so bad! Except Cartman,” said Tweek. “Well, OK, so there was this one time they made me think we killed Ms Choksondik. Oh God! I’d never been more stressed out in my life!” 

“Wait, what?”

“ARGH! We put brine shrimp in the teacher’s coffee, and then she died! Oh God! With her stomach full of sea people. ACK! I thought we killed her! It was horrible. But apparently she died of having too much semen inside of her, which is different from sea people somehow. Chef said so. I'm so glad we didn't actually kill her.” 

“Actually, that sounds about right,” said Craig. “Those assholes are always doing dumb shit like that. And they screwed me out of my birthday money, so they can go fuck themselves.” 

“They DID?! How?” 

“Like I said. It’s a very long and stupid story,” said Craig. 

“Hey dudes,” said Token, taking a seat beside Tweek while Clyde took a seat beside Craig. “We’re not interrupting anything, are we?” 

“No,” said Craig. “Tweek just wants to hear the stupid story of how I got screwed out of my birthday money last year.” 

“Oh, I remember that,” said Token. “You were totally pissed off.” 

“You never told us what happened either,” said Clyde. “All I know is that Cartman thinks you’re a total dick.” 

“I’m a total dick,” said Craig, in his usual monotone way. “Those assholes come to my house and lie to me about doubling my hundred dollars in one afternoon, but I’m a total dick.” 

“Double your hundred dollars? How?” said Tweek. 

“By forming a Peruvian pan flute band. That was their genius plan.”

“And you fell for it?” said Token. “Dude, weak.” 

“I know, but I was bored, so I decided, ah, what the hell. Huge mistake.” 

“Wait. Did you say pan flute band?” said Tweek. “Like, those guys that made all those crazy guinea monsters go away after leveling our town?!” 

“Yup,” said Craig, sipping his milk. 

“Wait, so you joined a pan flute band to drive the guinea monsters away?” said Token.

“I thought you liked guinea pigs,” said Clyde. 

“It’s a convoluted and totally stupid story,” said Craig. “That’s why I don’t like telling it.” 

“But you haven’t told any of us the whole story.” 

“Not even your boyfriend.” 

“Yeah!” said Tweek. “I mean, you don’t have to tell it if you don’t want to...” That's what he said, but he was still totally hoping Craig would. 

Craig sighed. “Will you losers leave me alone about it if I tell you everything?” 

“Yeah!” said Token, Clyde, and Tweek, all leaning in to take in every juicy word of Craig’s story.

“OK, so like I said. Those assholes came over and told me I could double my money in the afternoon if I joined their stupid pan flute band, so I did. Later we got arrested by the government and sent to Miami, and almost got sent to Guantanamo Bay.”

“Jesus Christ!” Tweek shrieked. 

“Yeah. So like, they had some stupid plan to escape, but we got caught. The Department of Homeland Security decided to send us to Peru so we could overthrow their government and put an end to all pan flute bands.” 

“Dude, what the fuck?” said Token. 

“That’s what I said,” said Craig. “Anyway, it was all a trap. They really sent us there to die while giant guinea pigs destroyed the world, or something. The worst part was when those douchebags found a picture of me on some ancient Incan cave paintings.” 

“Why you?” said Clyde. 

“It was some prophecy, I guess. I didn’t care, though. I walked out on my own, wanting nothing to do with any of it. Then the guinea pirate dude showed up, and when I tried to walk away I started spinning around in a circle and sparks shot out of my eyes. I defeated the guinea pirate without even trying, and then the stupid asshole U.S. government took me home, thank God.”

“Dude, I remember the guinea monsters,” said Clyde. “They killed my uncle.” 

“They killed a lot of people, dude,” said Token. 

“Argh! I remember the guinea bees attacking our shop!” said Tweek, twitching. “It was the scariest thing ever. I seriously thought I was going to die!” 

“The whole thing was dumb,” said Craig. “That’s why Cartman and those guys can all go fuck themselves.” 

The first bell rang just then, and the four boys stood to clear their lunch trays and leave. 

“I hate Cartman, too!” said Tweek. Then he took his boyfriend‘s hand and smiled. “Still, I think it’s really cool how you saved the world, Craig. Thank you.” 

“I didn’t do anything, Tweek.” 

“You totally did, though,” said Token, placing his hand on Craig’s shoulder. “You weren’t here. You don’t know how bad it was.” 

“I do know how bad it was,” said Craig. “Because it’s the same sort of shit that always happens in this God forsaken town.” 

“You just don’t want to admit that you did something nice for us all,” said Clyde, giving his friend a big hug. Tweek followed suit, throwing one arm around Craig and the other around Clyde. Then Token got in on it. 

“No, seriously, guys. I didn’t do anything. How often have those douchebags Stan and Kyle saved the world? That doesn’t make them good people.” 

“Quit being so modest,” said Token. 

“Craig saved the day,” said Clyde. 

“My boyfriend’s a hero!” said Tweek. 

“You guys are so dumb,” said Craig, sighing as he accepted the puppy pile that he’d turned into. As long as Tweek was stoked on him, he supposed he could be the unsung hero of South Park, even if the whole thing was stupid and pissed him off to this day.


End file.
